Hi everyone,
Today, I want to share one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my dating journey — and honestly, it’s a little embarrassing to write about.
You often hear, “dating is a battle with yourself.”
But for me, it started as a battle with my toxic mother first.
And even more than that, I was constantly fighting against the invisible enemy called desperation.
Let me tell you how much this desperation sabotaged my dating life — and how I finally began to break free from it.
If you’ve ever struggled with anxiety or toxic family dynamics while dating, I hope my story will resonate with you.
I Couldn’t Even Smile Properly
My mother is… let’s just say, highly controlling.
Even before I entered the dating world, I struggled with something as simple as talking to men — because my mother’s voice was always in my head.
One night at a bar, I experienced this first-hand.
Her “advice” sounded like this:
👉 “Smile! You look unfriendly.”
👉 “But don’t smile too much. If you grin like that, you’ll look cheap, like a hostess girl.”
→ So, what am I supposed to do??
Smile and I was “too flirty.” Stay serious and I was “ugly.”
Of course, there’s no way I could chat naturally with someone under this pressure.
Matchmaking and the Shocking Breakup
Despite this, I eventually took the plunge and joined a matchmaking agency.
After many ups and downs, I finally entered a serious relationship through the agency.
But even then, my mother’s presence was always looming.
She would constantly plant doubts in my mind:
“Is this really the right person?”
“Maybe you can do better.”
Eventually, she interfered so much that the relationship ended.
That breakup devastated me — and triggered an overwhelming fear:
“What if I never get married because of my toxic parent?”
At the same time, it shocked my mother too.
Afterward, she suddenly started trying to “support” my dating life — mostly for show, but still.
The “Mom-Managed” Introductions Begin
My mother began arranging meals with men from her business circles — young men my age.
Of course, she always attended these meetings herself.
(You can imagine how relaxed that felt.)
At the time, I still partly believed, “Without my mom’s help, I won’t be able to get married.”
But deep down, another part of me wanted to break free.
The Bar Incident: Desperation Ruins Everything
One evening, at my usual bar, I met two men:
A Waseda University grad working at a famous tech company, and a Tokyo University of Science grad working at a moving company (earning only ¥3M/year).
Both were handsome, great conversationalists — and already had girlfriends.
Still, my mother asked them if they could introduce any of their single male friends to me.
At this point, my desperation was at its peak.
I was terrified:
“What if my toxic mom ruins everything and I never get married?”
In my panic, I snapped at her:
“Why did you break off my last relationship but aren’t bringing me new matches?!”
My mother, who reacts strongly to negative emotions, went into overdrive.
She bombarded those two men with aggressive LINE messages:
“Why haven’t you introduced anyone yet?”
“My daughter needs help!”
Naturally, they were terrified and disappeared.
Another chance lost — because of both her behavior and my own desperation.
Biggest Lesson: Desperation is Your Enemy
That whole experience taught me something crucial:
👉 Desperation ruins everything.
It made me act aggressively toward my mother
It made me seem overly needy to potential dates
It scared away good prospects
When you’re consumed by fear, “I have to get married now or else!”,
you end up making terrible decisions.
A More Balanced Approach to Dating
If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self this:
1️⃣ Don’t stay completely alone.
Being single with no emotional connections only amplifies desperation.
I actually think it’s better to have at least a casual relationship or someone who regularly invites you to meals — someone who clearly likes you and helps reduce that lonely feeling.
⚠️ Of course, this person should not be someone you find physically repulsive or emotionally draining.
Having even one safe, stable connection keeps you from falling into panic mode.
2️⃣ Pause when you feel desperate.
When you’re desperate:
You attract toxic or controlling men
You scare away the good ones
Whenever you feel yourself spiraling — “I must find someone now!” —
stop and ask yourself:
“Am I acting from calm confidence or from fear?”
In my experience, waiting until I was grounded before taking any dating actions always led to better results.
Conclusion: Dating is a Mental Game
For me, dating wasn’t just about finding the right person.
It was about fighting the shadows of my upbringing and managing my own emotions.
I’m still learning.
The toxic parent dynamic is hard to shake, and I still slip into old patterns sometimes.
But one thing I know for sure:
👉 Desperation is the enemy.
Today, I would approach dating with these strategies:
✅ Build stable emotional connections (even if casual)
✅ Don’t panic if you’re single for a while
✅ Pause and reflect before acting on fear
✅ Trust my own pace, not my mother’s voice
If you’re reading this and struggling with toxic family influence or dating anxiety — know this:
👉 You are not alone.
👉 It’s okay to take your time.
👉 The right relationships come when you’re calm and centered, not when you’re desperate.
I’m still walking this path myself.
Let’s take it step by step — and be kind to ourselves along the way. ✨
