Hello,
Today, I want to share the story of the worst Christmas I’ve ever experienced.
It’s a memory that still stings when I think about it.
This isn’t just about a bad date.
It’s about how a toxic parent can completely ruin their child’s self-esteem — and how I had to learn the hard way to reclaim my own voice.
If you’re someone dealing with a toxic parent or struggling with self-worth, I hope my story resonates with you.
How “Mom-Approved Dating” Took Over My Life
I grew up with a highly controlling and toxic mother.
Her one goal?
To shape me into her version of a “perfect daughter.”
From a young age, everything about me was criticized:
my looks
my facial expressions
how I spoke
how I carried myself
It was a constant tug-of-war.
“Don’t flirt too much, but don’t look cold.”
“Smile, but don’t look cheap.”
“Be feminine, but never weak.”
By the time I was old enough to start dating seriously, I had very little self-confidence left.
When I started going to marriage meetings and dating through a matchmaking agency, my mother immediately tried to take control.
She called it “helping” — but in reality, it was more about managing her own image and keeping me under her thumb.
Her rules:
I could only meet men she approved of
She had to be present at most meetings
During dates, she would constantly correct my behavior in front of others
It was humiliating, but I didn’t know how to resist.
The Christmas “Opportunity”
One Christmas, my mother came up with an idea.
“There’s a bar where young Waseda and Keio University grads often hang out. Let’s go there — it’s the perfect opportunity.”
I didn’t want to go.
But I also knew that refusing would trigger a major fight.
So I gave in and went along.
Public Humiliation Over My Face
We arrived at the bar.
I was a little nervous and probably looked a bit serious.
I was simply sitting at the table when my mother leaned over and said — loud enough for others to hear:
“Why do you look so angry?”
“Your eyes look scary. It’s because you have a bad personality. That’s why you have those cold, dead eyes.”
“Why do you always glare at people like that? You shocked me — you looked terrifying.”
I was crushed.
I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t glaring.
This was simply my natural expression.
Hearing her say this, in front of these young men, was beyond humiliating.
Trying to defend myself, I said:
“If it bothers you so much, maybe I should just get plastic surgery.”
But of course, she shot that down too.
“If you get surgery, you’ll just look even worse.”
In that moment, I realized that in her eyes, nothing I did would ever be good enough.
Even Ordering a Drink Was a Minefield
Later, the waiter came to take our drink orders.
I don’t drink alcohol, so I looked for something non-alcoholic.
I thought about ordering an apple juice — but immediately worried:
“She’s going to say I’ll get fat.”
Then I considered ordering tonic water — but worried again:
“She’ll say I’m using the wrong name for it.”
Frozen, I stayed quiet.
Then she snapped:
“What’s wrong with you? Are you stupid? Can’t you even order a drink?”
Ordering a simple drink felt like walking through a field of hidden traps.
Constant Insults and Demeaning Words
She didn’t directly say “you’re ugly” that night.
But everything she said implied it:
“No guy would like that face.”
“You’re so dumb — you can’t do anything right.”
By then, I was barely holding it together.
When I Finally Snapped
And then — I couldn’t take it anymore.
All of the bottled-up anger exploded.
I actually hit her.
Three times, I hit her on the head in a burst of rage.
She was shocked — and furious.
The evening was instantly over.
We canceled the Christmas lights and dinner we had planned.
And on the way home, she berated me non-stop.
What I Ate That Night
When I got home that night, I had no energy left.
I didn’t even want to eat.
In the end, my Christmas dinner was nothing more than a piece of toast and a fried egg.
A lonely, bitter end to what should have been a joyful holiday.
What I Learned
That night taught me something important:
My mother’s values are not my values.
Her version of “help” was only about controlling me.
I also realized that my biggest enemy in dating wasn’t my looks or my personality — it was the fear and desperation that came from trying to meet impossible expectations.
Whenever I felt desperate — especially when I feared “I’ll never get married because of my mother” — my dating performance got worse.
Desperation attracted controlling men.
And good men could sense my fear and pulled away.
My Message to You
If you’re dealing with a toxic parent — or struggling with self-worth in dating — please remember:
You don’t have to be perfect
You don’t need to live up to someone else’s impossible standards
It’s okay to go at your own pace
Never let desperation drive your actions
Good relationships are built on authenticity — not fear.
Final Thoughts
That Christmas was one of the worst experiences of my life.
But in some ways, it was also a turning point.
It made me realize that I needed to take back control of my life — and my dating journey.
If you’re facing similar struggles, I hope you’ll find strength in my story.
You are not alone.
And most importantly — you deserve happiness on your own terms.
